Reflections from a Slave.

"So take the feelings and let them run. They'll make their own paths and You'll show me which ones to follow. Rip my heart open and piece it back together into one that is crafted after Yours. I am willing and waiting. Set me free."

That has become my most recent life-prayer. As Romans 6 all too clearly states, I am a slave--"once a slave to sin, now a slave to righteousness." I associate many masters in my life to that concept. At various times I have been a slave to relationships, to logic--yes, to sin--but lately I have been so struck by the fact that I am constantly a slave to my emotions. It's sobering to realize how many decisions I have made based on a temporary whim convinced that it was the practical choice.

I'm still digesting what Paul had to say in Romans 6-7. They are very familiar and yet so foreign, because they have such a new context to me now. Over the past several months, God has finally reached a breakthrough in my heart pertaining to this constant search for freedom. Whom I had once seen as an overbearing, unjust, uncaring God has finally become my closest Friend, dearest Ally and Source of life. It has been a years-long journey and I still have much ground left to tread. But this freedom that He is starting to show me finally makes my life worth living. It gives me a reason to keep smiling, to keep trusting that He's just getting started w/me and won't leave me to fight alone.

Regardless, I remain a slave to human nature. This is why I have a persistent pull toward following the direction of my selfish, sinful heart. It has become so tainted by all the choices I've made in my life: I chose pleasure over patience, manipulation over truth. And there is no doubt that I am now bearing the consequences. And it's painful. Even more frustration is added on by the fact that old habits die hard. Left here on this earth, my heart is still drawn to the things around it, to the impulsive nature I've been blessed and cursed with. And it is a constant battle to change these tendencies for a life of holiness.

That could be easily misinterpreted. I'm finding myself using so many terms in this post that I hate to hear because my mind is tainted too: tainted by human teachings, early disappointment, being led to follow a lie before I was able to speak for myself. This has been the root of my struggle for freedom. But fortunately, this is where God broke clean through when I least expected it.

And He still is today.

"So strip these masters of their illusions of power. Show them who the true Boss is. Give me liberty or I'll perish forever. I'm drowning and I need You to set my soul free."

"No matter what you start with, it ends up being so much less."

I seem to have a sort of literary stagefright.

When my thoughts have their privacy within the walls of my brain, they are

Free to practice their routines and prepare for the spotlight--

Anxious to own their moment of fame, longing to be understood by all who will listen

And yet, when the time comes to step forth and steal the show,

They are nowhere to be found.

Instead, they hide inside their dressing rooms until the audience

Gives up and goes home, grumbling in disappointment.

So they remain anonymous for yet another night,

Even though these musings of mine are destined for greatness.

Confident that they have something unique and meaningful to

Offer the world, they believe that there is still time to

Dream--time to wait and see where they belong before they

So carelessly sacrifice themselves to the first willing spectator.

It is a tactic that I wish my heart had learned long ago.

All of this drives me to keep on waiting

For my thoughts to stand up and conquer life itself,

To prove that ideas can indeed change the world.

I keep hoping that my soul can truly make a difference

Through words and the spaces between them.

And I will never stop believing that it is never too late for change.

For am I really old enough to have anything worthwhile to say?

Have I gained enough wisdom to do more than take up empty space

On someone's hard drive or bookshelf?

What do I have to contribute?

Where should my musings make their debut?

All these things haunt my wasted evenings

And will continue to do so until my thoughts are ready

To make a name for themselves.

Until then, the show must go on.

Prepare for another night of opening acts with nothing to follow.

Lackluster. Mediocre.

Run-of-the-mill.

But won't it be spectacular when the stars finally shine?

I wait for that day in passionate anticipation.

And the seats will be filled with souls who waited too

And they'll be overcome with joy that they did.

Just wait and see.

Those two lines changed my life. As did the rest of the movie.