Moving On.

Obviously, this blog has essentially become a lost cause. I decided to start fresh back in November with a tumblr:

http://mysteriousjoy.tumblr.com

Then, for this summer I made a new one:

http://trottercasie.wordpress.com

Feel free to check those out!

This Fleeting Memory.

So, I have a blog. That I almost always forget about, completely. This must change. Hopefully I'll remember another night when an impending civ exam is not looming over me.



On a brighter note, I get to spend my afternoon with these two tomorrow. I know, you're jealous. And you should be.

Stick it to the Center of your Forehead.

I am longing to scream out the whispers of my heart, yet it is
Oh so difficult to keep track of them all.
I feel like the woman at QuikTrip with an orange
Post-it note list of all the flavors her lover wanted in his drink.

Funny how she crossed my path on today of all days as
I was aching to help my soul make sense of itself and
Yet needing some time to process my own thoughts without
It pestering me at all hours of the day.

Alas it is a part of me and therefore quite crucial to
Be listened to. But I've grown so accustomed to doing all the talking
And it's a gradual adjustment at best. Unfortunately my soul seems
To be making up for lost time and

Crying out for the understanding I refused to lend it all these years.
It can be a bit confusing with all these voices
But I suppose that's why we're human.
Without obscurity, would we ever appreciate

The all too absent clarity that follows?
No, I imagine it would barely emit a whisper as
We leave ourselves sulking in ignorance
With our index fingers plugged permanently into our ears.

So here I sit in silence with a plethora of Post-it notes on hand.
My heart cannot be blamed for skepticism after years of being
Swallowed up by apathy. I trust it's simply waiting
Until it's sure it can be heard.

Reflections from a Slave.

"So take the feelings and let them run. They'll make their own paths and You'll show me which ones to follow. Rip my heart open and piece it back together into one that is crafted after Yours. I am willing and waiting. Set me free."

That has become my most recent life-prayer. As Romans 6 all too clearly states, I am a slave--"once a slave to sin, now a slave to righteousness." I associate many masters in my life to that concept. At various times I have been a slave to relationships, to logic--yes, to sin--but lately I have been so struck by the fact that I am constantly a slave to my emotions. It's sobering to realize how many decisions I have made based on a temporary whim convinced that it was the practical choice.

I'm still digesting what Paul had to say in Romans 6-7. They are very familiar and yet so foreign, because they have such a new context to me now. Over the past several months, God has finally reached a breakthrough in my heart pertaining to this constant search for freedom. Whom I had once seen as an overbearing, unjust, uncaring God has finally become my closest Friend, dearest Ally and Source of life. It has been a years-long journey and I still have much ground left to tread. But this freedom that He is starting to show me finally makes my life worth living. It gives me a reason to keep smiling, to keep trusting that He's just getting started w/me and won't leave me to fight alone.

Regardless, I remain a slave to human nature. This is why I have a persistent pull toward following the direction of my selfish, sinful heart. It has become so tainted by all the choices I've made in my life: I chose pleasure over patience, manipulation over truth. And there is no doubt that I am now bearing the consequences. And it's painful. Even more frustration is added on by the fact that old habits die hard. Left here on this earth, my heart is still drawn to the things around it, to the impulsive nature I've been blessed and cursed with. And it is a constant battle to change these tendencies for a life of holiness.

That could be easily misinterpreted. I'm finding myself using so many terms in this post that I hate to hear because my mind is tainted too: tainted by human teachings, early disappointment, being led to follow a lie before I was able to speak for myself. This has been the root of my struggle for freedom. But fortunately, this is where God broke clean through when I least expected it.

And He still is today.

"So strip these masters of their illusions of power. Show them who the true Boss is. Give me liberty or I'll perish forever. I'm drowning and I need You to set my soul free."

"No matter what you start with, it ends up being so much less."

I seem to have a sort of literary stagefright.

When my thoughts have their privacy within the walls of my brain, they are

Free to practice their routines and prepare for the spotlight--

Anxious to own their moment of fame, longing to be understood by all who will listen

And yet, when the time comes to step forth and steal the show,

They are nowhere to be found.

Instead, they hide inside their dressing rooms until the audience

Gives up and goes home, grumbling in disappointment.

So they remain anonymous for yet another night,

Even though these musings of mine are destined for greatness.

Confident that they have something unique and meaningful to

Offer the world, they believe that there is still time to

Dream--time to wait and see where they belong before they

So carelessly sacrifice themselves to the first willing spectator.

It is a tactic that I wish my heart had learned long ago.

All of this drives me to keep on waiting

For my thoughts to stand up and conquer life itself,

To prove that ideas can indeed change the world.

I keep hoping that my soul can truly make a difference

Through words and the spaces between them.

And I will never stop believing that it is never too late for change.

For am I really old enough to have anything worthwhile to say?

Have I gained enough wisdom to do more than take up empty space

On someone's hard drive or bookshelf?

What do I have to contribute?

Where should my musings make their debut?

All these things haunt my wasted evenings

And will continue to do so until my thoughts are ready

To make a name for themselves.

Until then, the show must go on.

Prepare for another night of opening acts with nothing to follow.

Lackluster. Mediocre.

Run-of-the-mill.

But won't it be spectacular when the stars finally shine?

I wait for that day in passionate anticipation.

And the seats will be filled with souls who waited too

And they'll be overcome with joy that they did.

Just wait and see.

Those two lines changed my life. As did the rest of the movie.

Love me Tender.

Three years ago, I met the (four-legged) love of my life.



And he gave me something to look forward to every single day.




No matter how big he got, he was convinced that he was still a lap dog.






He always made me feel loved and wanted.







He was never intimidated by anything--never held back, no inhibitions.







He was my most loyal listener--and I was always willing to follow him anywhere.







No matter how much things changed, I always knew that he would be happy to see me, ready to say hello every morning and every evening.






All of this is still true today.
And he still is my best friend, my favorite playmate.
And he always will be.

I love you, Tucker.

Cast the stones to the wind.

Excerpts from Psalm 37:

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him...Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret--it leads only to evil...If the Lord delights in a man's way, He makes his steps firm; though he stumble, He will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand...Turn from evil and do good; then you will dwell in the land forever...The righteous will inherit the land and dwell in it forever. The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just. The law of his God is in his heart; his feet do not slip...Wait for the Lord and keep His way. He will exalt you to inherit the land...there is a future for the man of peace.

"The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; He is their stronghold in time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him."

Waiting. Praying. Trusting You.

Abraham was willing. So am I.